So sweet, it's salty.

Who knows when I am going through the motions in this meager life. I'm having a really hard time with being conscious of myself (which is not to be confused with being "self-conscious," which is interpreted as "vanity" or "insecurity"), and without consciousness of myself, I am a machine controlled by Mother Culture.

It seems too miraculous to be a coincidence. My sister stops by today and says that she's coming to the event tomorrow. This will be my first chest pull. I'm rather nervous to be completely honest. This will be a new experience for me all together.

I'm not sure about what to say right now. I've gotten to the point in "The Teachings of Gurdjieff" upon which Orage makes commentary on "Beezelbub" and it is so engrossing but I can't quite understand it at times, but understanding in itself has become such a complicated task that I'm not sure that I understand "understanding." Most of the time I try to absorb what I can, and try to grasp the rest in time between chapters or segments of story.

It's very difficult to apply such esoteric and suggestive ideas to everyday life, as the book suggests, but maybe I am trying something too big, and I must start with something much smaller.

I'm trying to hold on to that rope that Lilith threw to those on Earth at the beginning of time. The rope is a symbol of the eternal wellspring of hope itself. Humanity is unable to hold on for long, only because we're looking for efficiency in the system; an easier way in. I'm holding on for dear life, but Mother Culture has a firm grasp on my ankles, and my hands are burning from fatigue. Is it too early to call the game for rain? Is it too late to turn it all around and find the path that is sure, rather than the one that is easier? Is it the time to find a way to bring humanity back to itself?

Ask yourself.