Skyward Resentment

I'm so sorry Amy. I wish there was something I could do to make the pain dissipate, but it's something that will take time and healing. I know that you loved him, and he loved you, but it's in the Lord's hands now. Oh, Amy... I'm so sorry...

I've felt an expansive breadth of emotions today. From disgust, anger and resentment to sorrow, remorse and guilt. Todd wasn't meant to leave us so soon. It was an accident.

He was loved and cherished by so many people. Everyone who knew Todd either loved him or adored him, and they all knew that Amy was the apple of his eye. We all have to keep living for Todd. I know that I will miss the fact that I will never again scream at the top of my lungs the distinctive shout that catches his attention. It's a bellow that Lauren and I devised. But never again will we call upon him with it. There will be no more mid-day beers at the Chicken, just catching up on the past year, and talking about our future.

"We'll have to do this again some time," I said.

"You're damn right we do," said Todd.

dreadlocks...

dreadlocks...

Eyes of old times...

I can't talk to him. He just brings up these memories that were too fun, back in days where my love for new things was more important than my idealism. I have dreams now... dreams that I know I can fulfill. Stop telling me that I'm beautiful, or that you want me. You can't have me; that part of me is sacred.

This is what it has come down to. Torn to and from hell and back, my emotions split in a rift that overpowered his ebb-and-flow, and parted the seas as Moses did.

Why have I abandoned the ideas and emotions that I once loved. The thrills of discovery and fascination linger no more. I can't light that candle for you, because it's a vigil I do not await.

Now I know what I am missing... the philosophy is gone, dearly departed in blizzards of bitterness and repentence. Empty are the ideas, vacant is my rhetoric and appeased is my conscience.

Vertical Siegelite flash bracket on my vintage Canon A-1

New Siegelite flash bracket on my vintage Canon A-1

New flash bracket, perfect score and a show, you know?

Unexpected perfect score on my Entomology exam: WIN

New flash brackets: WIN

New Dread fall: WIN

Upcoming show in which I play violin in the forefront with another violinist: UNDISPUTED CHAMPION